Shitpost

So it seems you've tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It's the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona or until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it's also the Wuhan, or WuHAAN—that's a city in China or CHYNAH. Many people don't know that. But the moment I heard about this ChiNEESE flu, I ordered a test. And it's an amazing test. We do better testing than anywhere in the world. Some say the Germans have the best tests, but they don't. Our tests are even better.

So you're positive for Corona. And usually "positive" is a positive word—it's a very good word, frankly. Everybody thinks it's good, apart from what you hear on the news—which is fake. It's largely fake. But in medicine, "positive" is not so good. So it's very confusing. And I've always been very clear about that. Some say "positive" is always good, but I've never agreed with that.

So you're positive for the Corona. But you'll be fine. Totally fine. You might think you're going to die—and everybody does die, eventually. But you'll be fine. You feel fine, right? You won't need a ventilator. There are many ventilators—but you won't need one.

How old are you, 90? You won't need one. Some people need a ventilator, and they're amazing machines. Did you know when the first ventilator was made? Well it was not made in wuHAAN or by the ChyNEESE in China. It's an incredible piece of equipment. But you'll be fine.

The virus gets into your lungs, which is where you breathe. But you have two of them. Some say you have a spare. Some people only have one lung. It's true. But I don't talk about spares. Nobody wants both. But given a choice, two lungs are fine.

So I've asked nurse—what's your name, Nancy?—I've asked nurse Nancy to keep you comfortable. And Nancy is one of our finest nurses. I mean, just look at her. Incredible, right? Nancy, you're really incredible. You're not afraid of Corona, are you, the ChiNEEESE Plague? I didn't think so. Nancy will bring you whatever you need. And if you start coughing, do that into your elbow, so you don't make a mess. Okay, you're doing great. I'll see you later.

Nice Ben Stiller quote